Thursday, September 11, 2008

Camp Teen (2008)

“They prayed for Jesus—but they wanted your bod!!!”

In this rather snarky but charming remake of Eating Out (2004), a straight guy (Jbottle) decides to play “gay” at a Jesus-freak summer camp for turning gays into straights.

He’s motivated to take such a daring step because all the camp counselors are sexy young chicks with big tits and bodokandonkas buns.

Plus they’d do just about anything to help a young man prove his manhood—and thus welcome him back into the loving arms of Jesus Christ Heterosexuality…

So Jbottle make this deal with Puget—the highschool local Fag. Puget is so swishy & nelly even the Cheerleading queers didn’t want him. His pom-pom routine at basketball games got more jeers and attention than the game did. And the court got littered with beer cans & used Trojans rather quickly…

And so the deal is made—a straight guy who’ll do anything for pussy and a gay guy who’ll tag along looking for sloppy seconds. Quite a combo isn’t it? Sort of like two happy-go-lucky guys out to have some fun—you know kinda like that Gene Kelly classic “Singing in the Rain!!!”

Anyway, pretty soon—like right away—Jbottle is getting some decent action at Camp Teen. No time for fucking around with volleyball, canoeing, basket-weaving or boring things like that. Jbottle needs it bad—he needs his soul to be saved and saved FAST baby.

All the cute babes in Camp Teen jump on the challenge—what better thing to do than relieve the poor kid of that unfortunate bothersome Cross to Bear known as being a fucking fag.

Talk about a Gang Bang for Jesus!!!

Things happen quickly at Camp Teen—word gets around. When a hot dude like Jbottle shows up—there’s no time for Bible Study or Prayer.

It’s time for Laying of the Hands, baby—over every young juicy inch of that poor Lost Soul’s male physique. With special attention to that thing down there—Adam’s rib, prime meat, best pork-chop around!!!

Naturally, or rather unnaturally, Puget gets pissed. The only reason he agreed to Jbottle & his Camp Teen proposition was the expectation he’d get some Action too!!!

After all, there was ten inches of unrepentant uncoiling Serpent in the Garden of Eden stuff down there in Jbottle’s pants. Ten inches of Sodom and Gomorrah just waiting to be fucked, sucked and drained dry, baby!!!

It was just awful—the Jesus Girls wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t share a fucking inch with Puget. They knew Puget was queer—queerer than a Three Dollar Bill. There wasn’t any hope of him being reborn—poor Puget was doomed to a lifetime of dysfunctional disquietude and smarmy blowjobs. Why waste time on him?

It was cute Jbottle they wanted!!!

It went on & on—with TV Evangelicals on all the Flatscreen Big Brother Spy-Tubes in all the rooms. Cabin fever was especially high with the leering Faces of Jimmy Swaggart, Pastor Hagee, Jerry Fartwell, Elmer Gantry staring down at the Children of God making out like crazy.

Oh Lordy, talk about East of Eden!!! No wonder the Fall!!! No wonder Sodom and Gomorrah getting nuked!!! Prey, er I mean, Pray for poor Jbottle and Puget!!!! Those poor boys led astray!!!

Cabin “Sixty-Nine” was Teen Camp’s cabin from hell. It was reserved for the hardcore queer cases—that even Our Lady of Guadalupe gave up on.

“Oh Jesus, gimme that nice big Prick!!!” and other soprano ejaculations could be heard all night long—emanating sacrilegiously from Cabin “69”.

The more doing the down-low there was—the more getting it up for Jesus and being Straight for God dominated the quiet little out-of-the-way Fernando’s Hideaway just outside of Poughkeepsie, New York.

The motto above the entrance gate—“Do You Pick Your Nose for Jesus??”

There wasn’t any time for that either—there was better things for Jbottle to do. Or rather get done to him—to save his poor wayward soul…

Teen Camp Inc. had special barbed-wire secret camps all over the place. Their headquarters was in Topeka, Kansas—where Bible Belt Red State Missionary Position “Get Down on Your Knees & Pray For It” religious zeal had always been a part of the great American Abolitionist Tradition.

There inside the State Capital Building—beneath the dome’s campy murals of John Brown freeing the Mulatto Minions but no Vote for the Women Yet, yes God Almighty, there were the sacred Words that kept the Republic going strong: “So Sambo Beat the Bitch!!!”

Yes, there she was—the Barracuda herself!!! Snarking it up during the Elephant Convention—at the local View Carré lowlife nightclub one night. Snorkeling cocktails amongst all the wealthy GOP squids, the predatory paranoid piranha and the usual bloodsucking bottom-fish greedy for trickle-down slime and ego-tripping on the Fun.

Puget watched it all on FOX-News—sitting in the empty Camp Teen auditorium. While Jbottle got all the attention—there in that nefarious Cabin 69 with all the foxy girls hot to trot.

“C’mon, big boy. Prove it to me!! Prove it to me—that you’re a man not a Wimp!!!”

Finally after an exhausting whole long drawn-out Lost Weekend of Teen Camp frenzied fuck-for-jesus juicy shots & shouts for joy, Jbottle pleaded with Puget to get him out of there.

Get him out of there fast. He’d been drained dry—they’d made hamburger out of his manly meat. He’d been drained dry—every fucking Jesus Freak drop…

Puget shrugged—then shook his head.

“No, Jbottle,” he said. “I think you need another weekend here with the Jesus Mob. I don’t think you’re straight enough yet, honey—to return to the real world. You need some more Camp Teen therapy—don’t ya think?”

“Please, Puget,” Jbottle said. “I’ll do anything you say!!! Just get me the fuck outta here!!!”

“Anything?” Puget queried.

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