Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What is a "Car Czar"?


You Never Give Me Your Money, The Beatles



Is a Car Czar a dot gov kind of guy or gal?

Does the Car Czar drive a big flashy American car?

Does the Car Czar wear a crown?

Pinkie rings?

A carnation on his/her pocket?

Does the Car Czar smoke a giant stogie?

Does the Car Czar hang out with the Drug Czar?

What do two Czars talk about?

Cars and Drugs? How to build a Czar Car?

To stash Czar Drugs into a secret space?

Never mind How to Build Green...

Will the Car Czar make The Big Three Tow The Line?

Or will the Car Czar (wink, wink) slip The Three Beggars

Cool billions without a blink?

Will the Car Czar hand out money like carnival candy?

Hire me.

I'm available, and I would make a great Car Czar.

My name will be Scrooge.

You will have to kneel before me

Serf hat in hand.

My Car Czar checkbook before me,

Big quill pen in hand,

Nib hovering over paper.

You will have to take a Car Czar test:

First question (Choose One):

When you are asked to testify before Congress,

A) You fly to Washington in your private jet.

B) Your flunky drives you to Washington in a hybrid car.

C) You go coach on Amtrak (where you will be required to sit in front of a young mother and her two squawking babies).

D) You walk from Detroit to Washington, wearing a sandwich board that says,

"My name is Big BAD CEO, and I'm a recovering spendaholic."
You know the right answer.

I will lend you money,

But you shall obey my Ten Commandments:

1. Thou shalt dance like a marionette before me and worship no other special interest groups.

2. Thou shalt build green cars.

3. Thou shalt innovate on a budget.

4. Thou shalt pay your workers a fair wage.

(But only after the unions have knelt down before me with their own promises.)
5. Thou shalt repay the taxpayers (with interest).

6. Thou shalt not covet big bonuses for thyself and/or cronies.

7. Thou shalt share profits with workers and taxpayers.

8. Thou shalt present weekly budgets to the Car Czar and account for every penny spent.

9. For major projects, thou shalt first get my permission to proceed.

10. When all is said and done, thou shalt not beg for more money, and you shall treat this bailout with great respect and honor.
Hire me, and I will require only a small living-wage salary.

In fact, the Car Czar should do the job for nothing,

A reasonable bonus

To be paid ONLY

If the Car Czar


Capitalism in Poetry.

The Walrus and the Carpenter (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1898)

A scene from "The Walrus and the Carpenter," by Lewis Carroll, drawn by Sir John Tenniel, 1871. Wikipedia _______________________________________________________________________

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
From Through the Looking-Glass, published in December 1871.


The Walrus and the Carpenter, 1951 Disney Version